Rachel Bowen is a program manager at the National Guard Bureau and a single mother of two boys, so she lives a very busy life. While being in the military and being a single mom at the same time can be challenging, Bowen balances these two responsibilities thanks to the support of fellow single parents also stationed in Fort Belvoir, where she lived for many years.
Bowen, 39, now lives in Glen Allen, Virginia, with her sons, Maxwell (7) and Johnny (4).
This interview was edited for length and clarity.
What’s the experience of being a single mom in the military like?
Overall, I have unique challenges, but I think also unique benefits. The military does help a lot. I’ve been living in Fort Belvoir for the last couple years, and the convenience of being able to have a day care on post that takes account if you are a single parent definitely helped a lot. Some of the challenges, I would say, are in the actual workplace. Some people kind of want you to feel like it doesn’t matter that you’re a single parent. But it’s my responsibility to figure out day care scheduling and logistics, just like anyone else.
I think sometimes there is a cultural bias where people don’t want to necessarily deal with a single parent, so you don’t get considered for certain things because you are a single parent. And the assumption with that is that because I don’t have a spouse, from an employment standpoint, it’s just not as desirable as someone that comes from a dual-parent family.
How do you balance your work life and your home life?
I don’t really pay attention to keeping a 9-to-5 schedule. If I have to leave to take care of a sick kid, then I’m going to figure it out, whether I have to come in at a different time or work longer hours. It can be tough, because I want to spend more time with my kids, but I still have to clean the house and do laundry. It’s like a revolving door of taking care of things.
There have been times where I’ve felt like if I’m doing good at work, then I’m falling short as a mom. And then when I’m being a good mom, it feels like I’m falling short at work. There’s sort of a revolving door of “What area in my life am I going to be disappointed in?” I always feel like there’s something where I’m not doing enough.
How do you connect with your kids when you’re not at work?
Church is a big thing for us, so we reread the bible and talk about stories and go to church. My youngest still likes to play; he likes to play dinosaurs, and he’ll ask me to play with him. Both my kids love to be outside. With my oldest, it’s as simple as sitting with him and watching him as he plays his Nintendo Switch.
It can be kind of hard because I feel like I should be doing something more productive with my time, like laundry or the dishes, but I know that kind of attention is what my kids crave. So, when they ask me to participate in something, I make sure to put away whatever I’m working on so I can give it my full attention.
Are there any ways other mothers have helped support you?
I’ve been so blessed living in Fort Belvoir the past few years. The military is pretty good for single parents because of the sense of community. There are other single parents on Fort Belvoir, and we help each other out. If someone is running late and needs to pick their kids up from day care, we help them.
But you have to put yourself out there. For me, that was hard. In order to make it work, you have to be willing to ask for help, but that requires a lot of trust. In the military, there’s a lot of trust because it’s a community that’s supposed to be rooted in integrity.
What do you hope your kids learn from you as they grow up?
Kindness, and that being kind doesn’t mean you have to compromise your values. That’s the biggest thing. The other thing is that I want them to know to work hard and not take anything for granted.
Family Favorites
Food: Spaghetti and meatballs
Local Spot: Outback Steakhouse
Family Activity: Family movie night
Favorite Game: “Who Would Win?” or “Would You Rather?”
Vacation Spot: My parents’ mountain house
