Life can get complicated for twins, but they, and their parents, have an ally in Dr. Joan Friedman. A California psychotherapist – and both a twin herself and the mother of twins – she works with families to meet the special needs of siblings who often can be seen as one person rather than two.
Dr. Friedman is the author of The Same But Different: How Twins Can Live, Love and Learn to Be Individuals and Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children. She was the was the featured speaker at last month’s meeting of Northern Virginia Parents of Multiples, offering advice on that most tricky of subjects: how to create separate identities for twins, and how to plan for the day they ultimately leave home and embark on individual lives.
She shared her insights on the special twin dynamic in the following Q&A:
1. What is the “twin mystique”?
The twin mystique is an infatuation with twins as mysterious, inseparable and magical beings. In fact, twins can be lifelong friends, and they can fulfill many emotional needs for each other. But if they are expected to fulfill the fantasy of being telepathic soul mates, they will not feel free to develop on their own.
2. Is being a twin detrimental to becoming and behaving like an individual?
Not in all cases. However, if twins are not treated as individuals and are rarely separated, they will not develop the emotional tools and skills to behave as well-integrated and self-reliant individuals.
3. What are some of the common issues adult twins face?
The common issues that adult twins face are related to their inability to feel competent and masterful on their own. Often, they feel as if their “other half” has the skills and strengths they need in order to feel whole and integrated.
4. You’re a twin and a mother of twins, and your professional work focuses on the lives of twins. What is your experience like being an adult twin? Did your own experience influence the way you’ve raised your twins?
Being an identical twin as well as a mother of fraternal twins has informed most, if not all, of my professional work as a twin expert. My twin sister, Jane, and I have struggled with establishing our own individual identities because we were raised primarily as a couple with minimal parental interaction or attunement. Having the opportunity to raise twin sons has enabled me to appreciate the importance of attending to the burgeoning individuality of each twin. Parents’ efforts to form a secure attachment to each twin contribute most significantly to the strengthening of the twin bond.
5. Why is it so difficult for adult twins to explore their frustrations or other feelings about their twin?
Adult twins often have exclusive and loving relationships because they are closer to one another than they are to their parents or other siblings. While this may seem enviable, this degree of closeness makes it quite difficult to break away and become more separate. Twins feel a tremendous sense of shame, guilt and disloyalty about having expectable longings to be more individuated and separate. Since adult twins were raised as a dyad, attempting to break away from this connection and make room for others can be heart-wrenching and overwhelming.
6. What can adult twins do to form their individuality while maintaining a healthy, loving relationship with their twin?
It has been said that twins are born married into a relationship that they did not choose. Adult twins need to be educated and reassured that longing for a more separate life does not mean they don’t love their twin or that they are violating some unspoken tenet of the twin connection. Many twins are simply too worried to create more space between one another because they fear they are abandoning and hurting the person they love most in the world.
7. Is competition healthy between adult twins?
Competition is built into the twin relationship. There are countless stories about twins who spur one another on to excel in all sorts of areas, such as sports, business and academia. However, the competitive element can become unhealthy in adult twin relationships when one twin cannot find a way to manage the expectable feelings that arise in response to the siblings’ different situations. For example, if one twin is content in a job, in a relationship or in a marriage while the other is struggling, it becomes a formidable task for the content twin to enjoy herself knowing that her twin is unhappy.
8. How common is it for twins to select friends and lovers that remind them of the bond they share with their twin?
Often, people replicate their attachment patterns. Twins are accustomed to having a significant other who understands them intuitively without words. So when they are making adult friendships, they expect instantaneous, all-knowing, exclusive connections like they have with their twin. Oftentimes, they may unconsciously find a partner whom they can relate to as they do with their twin.
9. How can twins enter into different friendships and romantic relationships as individuals and on their own terms?
Twins can make healthier romantic attachments if they have had ample opportunities to be separate from their twin and experience life as a “singleton.” This means developing the resilience and independence that come with coping with life’s events as a separate person.
10. How can twins learn to make room for significant relationships without alienating their twin?
Twins need to be given permission and encouragement to live on their own – to be “self-ish.” Parents must help their twins prepare for adult life challenges, supporting both of them as they journey through different life phases. This requires that parents be supportive of the one who is struggling and joyful about the one who is achieving success.
11. Is physically separating from or spending less time with your twin the way to claim your self and independence?
For many twin pairs, a physical separation can help each one learn how to be more independent and self-reliant. For others, physical separateness does not significantly alter some of the psychological dilemmas that have been created as a result of complicated twin dynamics.
12. What’s the best way to be honest with a sibling when there are problems in the twinship?
The resolution of problems will depend upon how well honest communication has been established between the twins. If each is able to hear and respect the other’s perspective, it will be easier to work through problems. However, if the twins feel that a difference of opinion cannot be tolerated or that it denotes an unwillingness to be connected, it will be very challenging to be open and forthcoming about reaching solutions.
13. Why is self-reflection so often difficult for a twin?
Self-reflection is often difficult because it requires that you possess a consolidated sense of your individual self. Often, twins are either unaware of or confused about what their own needs are because they have lived their lives focused upon fulfilling the needs of a twosome, not a single individual. It may take twins quite a while to figure out what they need and an even longer time to feel entitled to fulfilling these needs. Twins have grave concerns about being unfair, disloyal or punitive toward their twin sibling when their adult lives diverge significantly.
Scott McCaffrey is managing editor of Sun Gazette Newspapers, which, along with Washington FAMILY Magazine, is part of the Northern Virginia Media Services family of print and online community-news outlets.
