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The Sandwich Generation --
A Difficult Balancing Act
By Andrea Rouda
For Karen*, as for many others of the “sandwich generation,”
the singular joys of motherhood are overshadowed by constant
worry that her natural inclinations as a loving daughter are
hindered by her overwhelming responsibilities to her new
baby. (*The name of the woman in this article has been
changed to respect her request of anonymity. Everything else
is true).
I was 29 and childless when my mother was diagnosed with
early-onset Alzheimer’s back in the 1980s. Despite my
demanding full-time job and many friends, her illness
immediately took center-stage in my life and I committed to
seeing her as much as possible before her death at age 62.
But for Karen Summers, 30, who finds herself in a similar
situation, life is far more complicated. For Karen, as for
many others of the “sandwich generation,” the singular joys
of motherhood are overshadowed by constant worry that her
natural inclinations as a loving daughter are hindered by
her overwhelming responsibilities to her new baby.
At a time when most new mothers are focused on getting their
bodies back in shape and swapping parenting tips in
mother-baby support groups, this Northern Virginia resident
is consumed with guilt because she cannot spend more time
with her mother, who at 64 is afflicted with Alzheimer’s
disease. Karen manages to make the trip—her mother lives an
hour’s drive away in a group home-- once a week, often
bringing along her seven-month-old son. Her mother loves
seeing him and he has bonded with her as well.
Despite the ceaseless demands of motherhood, Karen’s waking
hours are filled with thoughts of her mother, and in her
dreams she sees her as she once was, beautiful and full of
life. “Everything I do now reminds me of her, like giving my
son a bath or putting him to sleep at night. I think about
her taking care of me the way I take care of my son,” said
Karen. “I wish I could thank her for being such a great
mother.”
Karen was pregnant when her father passed away suddenly last
year; he had been her mother’s caretaker. His death forced
her and her two brothers to take over that formidable task.
“It’s so hard to become the primary caregiver. Since Mom
never sleeps, it’s a 24/7 job. With my own baby, it’s like
taking care of an infant and a toddler at the same time. It
would be impossible.” She and her husband would like to have
another child fairly soon but will put that off pending her
mother’s situation. “If I had to have mom living with us, I
would not have another child.”
For now, the former pediatric nurse and pre-school teacher
has put all her career plans on hold, and is instead
juggling baby care with elder care. “So many things would
have been different if Mom had not gotten ill,” said Karen.
“She would have been my son’s full-time babysitter, and I
would have gone back to work part-time. Also, my husband and
I would like to move out of the area, but we can’t think
about that now.”
Karen’s mother started showing symptoms in 2000 and was
diagnosed with the disease in 2002. According to Karen, the
always-immaculate housewife “started acting funny, like
buying things she didn’t need. She had always been
impeccably dressed and made-up, and she became apathetic.
After her hysterectomy she was never the same.” Karen has
been told that people with a predisposition to dementia
should avoid surgery, since anesthesia can accelerate the
onset of the disease.
Her mother may have had an intuitive feeling that led her to
pressure her husband to purchase long-term care insurance in
1997, so fortunately most of her medical costs are covered.
“We’ve been through hell and back, but now things are as
good as they could be,” said Karen. “Mother is in wonderful
place, a single-family home in a lovely residential
neighborhood with five other residents. They take her
grocery shopping and to the beauty parlor, and she has good
friends who still visit her.”
Once each month Karen attends an Alzheimer’s Association
support group, where she is by far the youngest member.
While she finds the meetings helpful, for her they were most
beneficial in the beginning. “Now it’s simply a venting
atmosphere. But still it’s comforting to know that other
people have similar issues. It makes you feel more normal,
and you get ideas about how to handle things. It’s a good
place to bounce around feelings,” she said.
Karen now tries even harder to keep herself in good shape by
using a treadmill 3 times a week, but she has given up
running outdoors because she is reluctant to leave her baby
alone with a stranger. And she realizes how important it is
to stimulate your brain, but then remembers that her mother
was an avid reader and did crossword puzzles, and she still
got sick. “I do it anyway because it makes me feel good,”
said Karen.
Some positive steps Karen has taken to brighten the
situation include sending out a letter to a wide network of
friends and family, letting people know how her mother is
doing and where to visit her. She has also started seeing a
therapist to help handle her feelings of sadness. “Once in
awhile I get a glimpse of her old self. I miss her so much,”
said Karen. “She was my best friend.”
Like all children of people with Alzheimer’s, Karen worries
about inheriting the disease, but has decided against
getting the blood test that would reveal whether or not she
has the gene. Instead she tries to concentrate on the here
and now, and how to best balance the two most important
roles of her life: devoted daughter and loving new mother.
______________________________________
Andrea Rouda is a freelance writer based in Washington, DC.
The Alzheimer's Association, National Capital Area Chapter
provides help and hope to over 460,000 individuals -
including those diagnosed, their families and care partners
- in the District of Columbia, suburban Maryland and
Northern Virginia facing the daily challenges of
Alzheimer's. Services include counseling, information and
education for families and caregivers; support groups; Safe
Return; training for professionals; community education; and
government advocacy on the state and local levels.
Information, referral and support
Helpline (available 24 hours a day / 7 days a week)
toll-free 1-800-272-3900
National Capital Area Chapter Corporate Office
11240 Waples Mill Road, Suite 402
Fairfax, VA 22030
Toll-free: 1-800-272-3900
Phone: 703-359-4440
Web address:
www.alz-nca.org
10 Signs of Caregiver Stress
Too much stress can be damaging to both you and the person
you are caring for. The following stress indicators,
experienced frequently or simultaneously, can lead to more
serious health problems. Learn to recognize signs of stress
in yourself. Taking care of yourself will help you be a
better caregiver.
1. Denial about the disease and its effect on the person who
has been diagnosed.
“I know mom’s going to get better.”
2. Anger at the person with Alzheimer’s or others; anger
that few treatments and no cure currently exist and that
people don’t understand what’s going on.
“If he asks me that question one more time, I’ll scream!”
3. Social withdrawal from friends and activities that once
brought pleasure.
“I don’t care about getting together with the neighbors
anymore.”
4. Anxiety about facing another day and what the future
holds.
“What happens when he needs more care than I can provide?”
5. Depression begins to break your spirit and affects your
ability to cope.
“I don’t care anymore.”
6. Exhaustion makes it nearly impossible to complete
necessary daily tasks.
“I’m too tired for this.”
7. Sleeplessness caused by a never-ending list of concerns.
“What if she wanders out of the house or falls and hurts
herself?”
8. Irritability leads to moodiness and triggers negative
responses and reactions.
“Leave me alone!”
9. Lack of concentration makes it difficult to perform
familiar tasks.
“I’ve been so busy, I forgot we had an appointment.”
10. Health problems begin to take their toll, both mentally
and physically.
“I can’t remember the last time I felt good.”
If you experience several of these stress symptoms on a
regular basis, consult your doctor. Call the Alzheimer’s
Association at toll-free 1-800-272-3900 to learn steps to
help manage the stress in your life.
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