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When Bad Things Happen –
Talking to Children about Disasters
Children are asking questions about what is happening to the
people impacted by our recent Hurricanes – or asking why it
happened to them.
After the terrorism attacks of 9/11 parents found
themselves, often for the first time, explaining to their
children how such a horrific event could happen. They found
themselves in a similar situation a year later explaining
the chilling sniper attacks on our city in the fall of 2002.
At least in both those situations, parents at least had the
comfort of blaming “bad people.” But now, with Hurricanes
Katrina and Rita, parents are once again finding themselves
needing to explain how such a catastrophe could happen – and
they don’t have anyone on whom to assign blame.
“As we, as adults, struggle to grasp the enormity of the
devastation of Hurricane Katrina and Rita, we may forget our
kids are struggling too,” says Hal Runkel, LMFT, founder of
ScreamFree Living (www.screamfree.com)
, and creator of the ScreamFree Parenting Program. ”We
should expect, and be prepared to answer – questions ranging
from: “God said he’d never flood the world again – and I
thought he kept his promises (asked by my six-year-old over
dinner the other night),” to “Could that (or why did it)
happen to us?”
“The most important thing to do,” recommends Runkel, “is to
talk to your kids about it – but don’t try to ‘fix’ it. Let
them know that it’s OK to ask questions, even when you don’t
have all the answers. Participate in your children’s TV
watching; watch it with them so you can discuss what you’ve
seen. You might want to point out all the heroic moments as
well. Remember to let them experience their emotions without
telling them they are ‘being silly.’ Your children are as
entitled to their feelings as you are, so give them the
space they need to experience them. If you have religious
beliefs, this is also a good time to share them with your
children.”
One of the key tenets of Runkel’s “ScreamFree Parenting”
program is mastering the concept of “Space and Place”. That
means that you need to give your kids the space to have
certain responses, emotions and expressions, yet as the
parent, you can be the architect of the “place” in which
that child operates.
Most children over the age of four will want to talk about
these disasters. There are several age appropriate responses
– and remember that maturity may be a better measure than
calendar age.
• Preschooler – it’s important for preschoolers to stick to
their routines. They may need extra reassurance or want to
sleep in your bed for a night or two. Try to avoid
unnecessary separations if you can and encourage them to
express how they feel through play and art.
• Elementary School Children – they’ll also desire a little
extra attention and will find familial routines calming. Be
sure to continue to be consistent in your handling of chores
and behaviors and encourage their expression of thoughts and
feelings through conversations and play.
• Adolescents – listen to them, but don’t force them to talk
about feelings and emotions. Encourage them to talk amongst
their peers and to participate in physical activities so
they can release some of their anxiety.
• For all kids, you often have the best conversations when
you’re not making a big deal out of it – just have casual
conversations while driving, playing legos, or hanging out
on the playground.
For everyone, regardless of their age (this means mom and
dad too), rehearse safety measures in case of emergency.
Then, the best thing you can do is help those in need –
whether it’s the victims of hurricanes, or just those less
fortunate in your community. Helping others is a great way
we can show our compassion and empower our kids.
Parents can also access some helpful websites for more
information:
• DHHS, National Mental Health Information Center, tips for
talking about disasters,
http://www.mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/cmhs/EmergencyServices/after.asp
• Educators for Social Responsibility, talking to children
about violence in the world,
http://www.esrnational.org/guide.htm
• American Academy for Child and Adolescent Psychiatry,
talking to a child affected by hurricane Katrina,
http://www.aacap.org/publications/disasterresponse/
• ScreamFree Parenting, advice on how to increase
communication and improve your relationship with your
children,
www.screamfree.com
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