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Time Out for Time Out
by chick Moorman and Thomas Haller
“Jillian, if you don’t stop talking back to me, you’re going
to sit in the time out area until you learn to respect me!”
“Roberta, you’re being naughty. Naughty girls have to sit in
this naughty chair until they learn their lesson. I’ll tell
you when it’s time to get out.”
“Rita, you’re supposed to be in time out. Get back in that
chair and stay there quietly until your time is up. Now I
have to reset the timer because you left the time out chair
early.”
Adults use time outs with the best of intentions. They want
a discipline technique that’s an option to sarcasm,
ridiculing, yelling, or shaming. They prefer not to spank or
use other forms of physical punishment to control their
children. So they opt for using a time- out.
These adults believe that placing a child in time out will
make him think about what he did wrong and learn not to do
it any more. They believe that the child will stop hitting
in frustration after having enough opportunities to sit and
think about hitting. They believe he will learn to pick up
his toys, stop throwing sand, and start using kind words
because he sat in his bedroom long enough to figure out why
he was there.
But what if these assumptions aren’t accurate? What if there
are negative effects from using time out as it is being
practiced today? What if it’s actually counterproductive to
achieving the goal of raising responsible children? Perhaps
it’s time to call time out on time out and examine it more
closely.
Consider: As it is often practiced, time out is used for
control. It is used as a threat. “If you don’t stop that,
you’ll go to time out.” It is used to punish. “Okay, that’s
it. You go to your room.” When you use time out in these
ways you’re teaching children that those with the power have
the right to control others.
Consider: Children being controlled by the threat of time
out may indeed change their behavior. But when they do, the
motivation to change is external. The child hasn’t been
asked to think for herself or given the chance to
internalize the need for a new behavior. Nor has she been
taught any new behaviors. What she learns is to behave when
the adult is near in fear of punishment. But she doesn’t
behave when the adult is not present because she hasn’t
learned to behave from the inside out. She is behaving only
from the outside in.
Consider: When time out is used for punishment, it often
creates resentment and encourages revenge fantasies as
children direct their anger and blame at the parents. They
scheme about how to get even rather than contemplate
alternatives to the behavior that got them the negative
consequence.
Consider: Many parents make it understood that their child
is being sent to time out because he or she has been naughty
or bad. When you send a child to a specific area because he
was “naughty” and make that clear to him, you send a message
to the child that he is bad, that he is naughty. This use of
time out attacks the character of the child. It wounds the
spirit and brands him as being that way.
Consider: Time out as it was originally designed was an
attempt to give children time to cool down. It was to
provide a safe space and time for a child to calm herself.
Creating time and space for a child to calm down so she can
think is the first step toward creating an inner authority
that guides the child’s behavior.
Consider: A time out is something one takes or is given when
one needs a break from their surroundings. A time out is
what we need when we’re sad and want to be alone. It’s what
we need when we’re hurt and don’t know what to say. A time
out is what we need when we’re confused and don’t know what
to do. A time out is where one goes to collect oneself, to
reenergize and get ready to address the problem at hand.
Consider: Children need time to calm their minds and relax
their bodies when they’re frustrated. They need a break from
the world around them when they are yelling or angry.
Children need an opportunity to get themselves ready to
learn a new skill or face a problem. They need time to get
back into a solution-seeking, problem-solving mode.
Consider: A time out is not to be used as the punishment
piece of a discipline technique. It is the time a child
needs to get into the right frame of mind so he or she can
learn how to manage anger, curb aggression, or use a
different set of words to express disappointment.
Consider: A child will only learn to manage his behavior
when he is in the frame of mind that allows him to do so.
Managing behavior, comparing possible outcomes,
understanding consequences, choosing among options, and
creating choices take place in the area of the brain called
the frontal lobe. When your daughter is throwing a tantrum,
she is not in her frontal lobe. Nor is your son using his
frontal lobe when he’s yelling, “I hate you.”
It’s important for adults to recognize these behaviors and
understand that children are not in an appropriate mindset
from which to engage in learning a new skill, solving a
problem, or understanding the cause and effect relationship
of the choices they have made.
Consider: The role of the adult when a child is in the
middle of a tantrum is to help the child pass through the
emotional phase and move into a behavior management and
problem-solving mode. When the child has made this
transition, then and only then is the process of holding her
accountable and teaching her how to do it differently next
time appropriate.
Consider: Most parents allow children to return to the
family group or resume their activity after they have stayed
in time out for a specific amount of time. Time out used in
this way becomes synonymous with “doing time.” Once you’ve
served your sentence, you’re free to go about your business.
Consider: If time out is indeed used as a gift of time and
space, it is the time after time out that becomes the most
important. This is when you follow up by teaching a needed
lesson, debriefing the previous scenario, and creating plans
for next time. Use the time after time out to help your
children learn to manage their behavior through the guidance
and instruction you give them. They will be more receptive
to suggestions on how to correct their behavior. They will
feel more empowered and more confident in being able to
manage their behavior in the future. They will come to see
themselves as capable, responsible people.
If you want your child to see himself as a responsible and
successful person, to learn to get along with the group
(family), to build positive relationships with others, and
to increase feelings of connectedness with you, stop using
time out as a punishment. Use it as a positive interruption
of an undesirable behavior so the child can calm himself and
be receptive to the guidance, instruction, and lessons in
accountability that follow.
Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of The 10
Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. Thomas and Chick are
two of the world’s foremost authorities on raising
responsible, caring, confident children. For more
information about how they can help you or your group meet
your parenting needs, visit their websites today at
www.thomashaller.com
and
www.chickmoorman.com.
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