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Talking With Children
About Violence in the World
By Nancy Taylor
Growing up in the best of times is not easy. Since the
attacks on the World Trade Center, terrorist threats and the
recent developments in the Middle East, kids have more
worries and questions than ever. How to we; parents and
educators of children in the world today, help to alleviate
some of their worries and answer their questions when we
have questions ourselves? What is the best way to handle
their worries, and how much information is too much? These
are some of the questions parents, teachers and even experts
in the areas of child development struggle to answer. We
want to address the concerns of our children without
creating more stress for them, and without dismissing their
fears. It’s tricky. The Educators for Social Responsibility
have provided some ways for parents and adults who work with
children to listen and respond to the concerns of the kids
they care for, and the following are some ways to help the
kids in your life to navigate in the world as they know it
today. ESR describes the three basic responsibilities of
parents and educators when helping children as; listening to
students, responding to students’ concerns, and teaching for
understanding and promoting positive action.
Listening to Students
It can feel very passive just to listen without offering a
whole lot of opinion or presenting feelings to children.
But, listening is the most important way to assess concerns,
determine how much information to provide and allow kids to
sort through their feelings. We must be very careful to
address the concerns of children without overwhelming them
with our own feelings or giving them more information than
they are ready or able to assimilate. If we do not listen
carefully to them, we may not have a clear idea of what they
already know or are confused about. The media coverage of
events can be troubling to children, and we want to be sure
we are available to alleviate some of the fears that a
super-abundance of the 6 o’clock news can cause.
Parents need to be very careful to assess the readiness of
their children when deciding how much information to provide
and what types of media coverage they should allow their
kids to watch. Very young children should be protected from
exposure to graphic images of violence. Because of the media
attention to world events and our children’s exposure to
television, it is unlikely that they have no awareness,
however. It is very important to find out what they know in
order to address their concerns appropriately. The best way
to do this is to listen carefully to spontaneous comments
and questions. Lecturing them, even as an introductory
attempt to get things going, is less likely to be helpful to
them.
Listen to your children in a way that makes it clear to them
that you respect what they have to say and are there to help
them. Do not dismiss their fears or make them feel insecure
by judging what they have to say, no matter how silly it may
seem to you. They will open up to you if they see you as
concerned and understanding. If they say something that you
need clarification about, ask them what they mean. Don’t try
to guess! Make sure to let them know that their feelings are
ok – they are looking to you for affirmation. Sadness, fear
and vulnerability are all normal, healthy feelings that they
may not understand.
If you think your child has some questions but they don’t
want to talk about them, don’t pressure them. Some children
need time to assimilate what they know before they discuss
it with anyone and some children are genuinely not
concerned. Try to ask good opening questions, then give kids
the time they need if they need it. If your children are not
worried, that’s ok too. It’s possible they are secure that
they are being taken care of and this stuff is simply not on
their radar screen. Make sure you let them know you are
available if they change their minds, though. Remember that
some kids better express themselves in other ways, so allow
them to play out their fears, encourage them to draw or
paint, or, for older kids, give them a journal where they
can write things down.
Respond to the Children’s Concerns
Even after we have heard what is on our children’s minds, it
is best not to jump in and give them all the information we
have or tell them exactly what we think. We need to reassure
them, and make them feel secure without causing them to
become overwhelmed or more fearful.
Misconceptions need to be clarified. For many children, the
facts as they see them can become rather convoluted. Between
the media coverage, the opinion of friends and the talk on
the playground, their concept of the truth can become far
from factual. Make sure to state in simple, straightforward
terms, what the facts are. Much fear in kids is a function
of what they do not know or are confused about. Allow your
children to comment on what you have said, and be careful
not to overshadow your feelings with theirs. Children crave
approval, so they may be unwilling to open up to you if they
are afraid their feelings may differ from yours.
If a child asks you something you do not feel qualified to
answer, don’t panic! If it is information you need, there
are plenty of ways to find it and kids will welcome looking
up the answers to their questions together. If it is a more
thought provoking question, something like; ‘That is an
interesting question. I don’t know that anyone has an answer
to it right now, but many experts are looking at it and
trying to figure it out” will reassure them that conflicts
can be resolved in an orderly way. Answering their questions
calmly will reassure them that nothing is so scary that it
can’t be talked about and even difficult problems have
solutions.
If your child seems overly fascinated or excited about these
events, or has a lot of rage or retaliation fantasies, this
is normal as well. Often when these events are reported
there is a sense of excitement in the delivery of
information, and most kids have some fantasies about
‘smashing the enemy.’ It is very difficult for kids to
understand with empathy the depth of human suffering war and
violence can cause. Try to help your child to explore
multiple perspectives, including those which may not be
broadcast as frequently.
Teaching for Understanding and Promoting Positive Action
When we find that we have a common ‘enemy,’ we will
undoubtedly find an increase in rumors, misinformation and
prejudicial comments. Rumors that cause the behavior any
particular group of people to be falsely generalized can be
very damaging. Children who have family ties to any group
that is unpopular for any reason can be the target of
teasing, bullying or other forms of harassment. It is very
important to help our kids to understand how prejudices
develop, thereby eliminating the tendency for
one-dimensional images of any group to become rampant. This
is very difficult, but parents and educators need to be
mindful of these prejudices and send a strong message to
students that diversity in culture and faith are welcomed in
the school and in the community. Parents who make their
feelings of racial tolerance known to their children are
helping them to put a human face on other cultures.
Teachers and parents will find framing a moral and
civic-minded perspective one of the most difficult
challenges they face when educating kids about some of the
challenges they will face in today’s society. There are few
quick simple answers to the complex political, international
and judicial issues that the threat of terrorism, war and
weapons of mass destruction pose. Making students
knowledgeable about government, international relations and
social responsibility will help them to think clearly and
make mature assessments. Teaches and parents should take
care to answer questions and address concerns with empathy,
understanding, and keep in mind that there is a wealth of
information available to them to help them deal with some of
these difficult issues.
The present climate we face in our world today forces
parents and schools to band together to help all students,
from pre-school and kindergarten through adolescents and
college age, to understand the present climate of our world.
Students should be encouraged to discuss their concerns,
assimilate information, and be empowered to help themselves
and those around them. These are difficult times, but they
are not times without hope. When we properly communicate
with our children, we give them the tools they need to
understand the facts, deal with feelings and understand
human frailty and suffering.
This information was compiled from information provided by
ESR. ESR, or The Educators for Social Responsibility, is a
non-profit organization developed to help educators create
safe, caring, respectful, and productive learning
environments. They also help educators work with young
people to develop the social skills, emotional competencies,
and qualities of character they need to succeed in school
and become contributing members of their communities. For
more information visit their web site at
www.esrnational.org.
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