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It’s Not Fair
BY Chick Moorman and
Thomas Haller
"It's not fair" is a common childhood complaint.
Parents hear it all the time.
"How come I didn't get any? It's not fair."
"He got more than I did. It's not fair."
"You let her stay up later. That's not fair."
How do you respond when your child tells you, "It's
not fair"? Do you race around attempting to make
sure everything is perceived as fair? Are you on
guard to make sure that love, gifts, attention, and
privileges are doled out evenly in your family? If
so, you might be doing your children a disservice.
Here's why.
When your children use "It's not fair" language,
they are assuming the victim stance. They are
activating a core belief that life should be fair at
all times, and when it isn't, they feel unjustly
treated.
In reality, life is not fair. Two people can be
speeding down the highway and only one gets a
ticket. Two people can be exposed to the same virus
and only one gets sick. The reality of life is that
fairness is not applied to everyone at all times.
Life simply doesn't unfold that way. To allow our
children to expect otherwise is to set them up for
reoccurring disappointment and frustration.
The "It's not fair" cry is an outgrowth of a faulty
assumption that all children should be treated
equally. If you buy into that myth, you set yourself
up for constant complaints and hassles.
Please do not attempt to be equal and fair to all
your children at all times. If you do, you are
setting yourself up for manipulation. Once children
know that you're trying to be fair and attempting to
set things up so everything looks even, they can
then use your positive intention to plead their
case, manipulate you, and encourage you to feel
guilty.
Trying to make things equal for children will cause
a lot of pain for everyone involved. Even if you
manage to parcel everything out in equal portions,
those portions still won't look equal through the
eyes of your children.
Aim for equity rather than for equality. Equity
means that all children have comparable
opportunities to be loved and appreciated and to
have their needs met. Equity does not mean that all
children are treated the same way. As you know, no
two children are the same, and there's no reasonable
rationale for treating them as if they were.
For example, your older child may wear glasses,
while your younger child does not. If you treated
them the same, both would have to wear glasses. But
the youngest one doesn't need glasses and the older
one does! Your youngest child, however, does need
braces, while the other one's teeth are perfectly
straight. So the youngest child gets braces. The
older gets glasses. The only thing you need to
guarantee your children is that they will each have
opportunities to get their needs met.
Recently, a father we know bought his daughter a
volleyball net, poles, and ball. He brought nothing
home for his son.
His daughter asked, "What do I get these for?"
"Since you're going to volleyball camp and trying to
make the varsity this year, I thought you might need
them," her father replied.
"What did you get Austin?"
"Nothing."
"How come?"
"Austin isn't trying to make the varsity. Later,
when he needs something, he'll get it. Different
people have different needs. Right now it seemed
like you needed these."
Next time you hear "That's not fair," explain to
your children that you're not attempting to treat
them equally. Tell them, "Different people have
different needs." Say, "I address needs. I don't try
to be fair or make things even. Tell me what you
need, and we'll talk about seeing if we can make it
happen for you."
"Fair" means more than everyone doing the same thing
the same way at the same time. "Fair" means everyone
getting what they need when they need it.
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of
The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. They are
two of the world's foremost authorities on raising
responsible, caring, confident children. For more
information about how they can help you or your
group meet your parenting needs, visit their
websites today:
www.chickmoorman.com or
www.thomashaller.com.
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