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GIRLS BULLYING &
AGGRESSION
Tips for Parents and Teachers to Recognize the Signs
and Help the Bullied, the Bullies, and the Bystanders
What's happening to girls today? According to the FBI,
assault arrests for girls nationally jumped 40.9 percent
between 1992-2003, while similar arrests for boys dropped by
16.4 percent. On other fronts, 1 in 4 American high school
girls reports sparring at least once in a recent one-year
period, and the century-old national children's crisis
charity KidsPeace, which helps thousands of youngsters at 63
centers each day to overcome traumas and crises in their
young lives, reports a significant uptick in helping girls
deal with bullying and violence.
"One of the big problems about aggression and bullying among
girls is that many of us don't recognize it when we see it,
and we don't know what to do about it when we recognize it
says KidsPeace President & CEO C.T. O'Donnell II.
"Traditional aggression roles are changing," says Herbert
Mandell, medical director of KidsPeace and the KidsPeace
Children's Hospital in Orefield, Pennsylvania. "Aggression
in girls and young women has gotten significantly more
dangerous and women have begun to close the gap with the
guys."
To help parents, teachers and others to recognize the signs
of girl aggression (which are often overlooked or
misinterpreted) and help the bullied, the bullies
themselves, and the bystanders (those who witness female
bullying but are not sure how to intervene), KidsPeace's C.T
O'Donnell II, Dr Herbert Mandell, and experts at the
KidsPeace Institute have put together a list of tips and
resources.
Things We Should Know About Female Bullying
-
Female bullying is different than male
bullying. Many times girls do not fit exclusively into
one category - bully, victim or bystander. Very often
their behavior depends on the situation. They may
alternate roles depending on whom they are with and
dynamics of the current social structure.
-
Girls are known to be less physical and
more "discreet" in their bullying than boys. This may be
due to the fact that girls are socialized to avoid overt
and physical displays of anger. In order to express
their feelings, they resort to subversive and
passive-aggressive forms of interaction.
-
It is important to "keep tabs" on girls
even if you (or they) don't think they are being
bullied, because they themselves may often not realize
what's going on. If a girl tells her she's "fat," she
may believe her. If she's not included in a sleepover,
she may believe she doesn't deserve to go. These
comments and power plays can be internalized until her
self-concept and self-esteem are destroyed, all without
knowing what's happening or before any adult can
intervene.
Helping the Victim
-
Encourage the girl to talk. Talking to a
trusted caring person reduces the isolation of a victim
and helps build her up confidence so she can face the
problem. This may be the one thing that prevents a girl
from going to an extreme (such as suicide) to cope with
the situation.
-
Be an ally. Any girl who is being
victimized by bullying and aggression needs to know she
can enlist the help and support of adults if necessary.
In many cases the problem has become "too big" for her
to handle alone. Telling a child or group of children to
"just work it out" may not be helpful. Remember that
female aggression is more difficult to pinpoint and
prove, so intervening in these situations may not be
"cut and dry."
-
Teach new skills. Girls can learn better
ways for coping with victimization which may include:
-
Standing up to a bully verbally
-
Using humor
-
Walking away
-
Changing behaviors that provoke the
bullying
-
Building healthy friendships with
others that can be a support system
Probably the most important skill that can be taught to
girls is how to be assertive and straightforward in their
expression of frustration and anger.
-
Foster self-esteem. Help the girl find
ways to feel successful in other areas of her life such
as academics, hobbies, interests, athletics, etc. When
she has a strong base within herself, she is better able
to face social difficulties.
Helping the Bystander
-
Send the message. All the kids you
parent or work with should know how you feel about
bullying and that it's not tolerated. Kids should be
held accountable for how they treat each other in
effective consistent ways whether the setting is home,
school, community groups/clubs, sports teams, etc.
-
Teach peaceful intervention. Adults can
help kids learn how to recognize unsafe and abusive
relational patterns, and also how to intervene
peacefully. This is another way to reduce the isolation
of a victim. Adults should be committed to taking
reports of relational aggression seriously and assisting
when necessary.
-
Not helping is hurting. Teach kids that
watching when someone is abused or bullied is just as
harmful as doing the bullying themselves. make sure that
they know the proper channels for getting someone the
help they need if necessary.
Helping the Bully
-
Let her know that you know. Bullies who
use relational and passive aggression to inflict pain on
others believe that their behavior flies "under the
radar" with adults. Unfortunately, this is often the
case. Once you have detected the pattern it is helpful
to call out the behavior. Even if the girl denies it,
she knows that you are aware of her tactics and may be
more careful in the future.
-
Teach acceptable ways of expressing
anger. Girls tend to use relational and passive
aggression because it has been more socially acceptable
than physical aggression for them. If they are going to
stop the passive aggression, new and better ways need to
be learned for coping with and expressing anger. Once
girls find success with these better methods they are
more likely to reduce the abusive patterns.
-
Hold subversive bullies
accountable. Relational aggression can literally ruin a
girl's self-esteem and positive outlook on life. It is a
form of harassment - NOT freedom of speech, as some
believe. These epidemic behaviors will decrease only
when the aggressors are held accountable and taught more
acceptable means of interacting with peers.
RESOURCES:
FOR KIDS: Girls (and boys) can use the safe, free
problem-solving website
www.TeenCentral.net to work out stresses and
crises before they become overwhelming. Kids can get advice
and encouragement from counselors and peers worldwide - all
screened for safety by master's level clinicians at
KidsPeace.
FOR ADULTS: Free information on youth crisis and prevention
is available at
www.kidspeace.org.
KidsPeace is a 124-year-old national children's crisis
charity that works to give hope, help, and healing to
America's children facing crisis. Founded in Bethlehem,
Penn., KidsPeace helps thousands of children at 63 centers
each day through crises such as depression, violence, abuse
and neglect, to eating disorders, modern stresses and
depression. KidsPeace reaches millions more around the world
via National Child Safety and Self-Esteem Icon RETRO BILL,
Harvard's famed child expert Dr. Alvin Poussaint, and Brown
University child development pioneer Dr. Lewis Lipsett.
KidsPeace was called "The Outstanding Organization" of its
kind by the AAPSC and "A prototype of what we should have
for all children everywhere" by the late great family expert
Dr. Lee Salk.
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